Eman's Place

I wrote a post on the 30^th of December to commemorate my niece Bayan’s birthday, but my computer crashed and I’ve been afraid to open Word and see if it’s in the recovery thing, because I didn’t save it. You’d think I’d learn from all the other times I’ve lost stuff, but no. Which brings to the subject I want to talk about today.

I am the third of four children in my family, and the fifth grandchild on my paternal side, the fourth grandchild on my maternal side and I’m the first granddaughter on both sides. Out of 30 plus grandchildren that should put me in a leadership position within my family, but it’s mostly made a bit bossy and a little bit of a bully.  But, as usual, I digress.  What prompted this post is a conversation I had a work with a friend about subject a tad bit too personal for this post, but God knows I’ll write about it later. But in the course of the conversation, I was told, “You’ll see,” and “You’ll regret that decision.” And I think that blew a fuse in me, because I fought back and hard.  In my apology email to my friend, I said this, “…I am a little tired of trying to forge my own path in life and being told that I’ll regret my decisions later on. I have faith that God will direct me in the path that is meant for me and it will be the best for me, even if it’s bad.” And I truly believe every word of that!!

I am tired. I am tired of being told what to do when it comes to MY life. I’ve always been different than the people around me, and I have always loved that I was different. We are all unique in our own special way, but I never quite fit in with my peers, my gender, my family and my society.  If I was amongst my family in Egypt, I always felt like an outsider because I was American. Here in America, being amongst fellow Americans, I feel a little left out, because I can’t share in all American experiences due to limitations set by my faith, culture and other things. I’m neither here nor there. I’m always juggling different identities trying to make them work together. My point is I am not like anyone else. I am me.

That “me” that I am, should be able to do what me likes, right? Wrong! I’m always told, “If you do X, Y will happen, and you’ll regret you never did W.” This is the general equation:

E = Me
W = What other people think you should do
X = What I want to do
Y = What will happen if I don’t follow their advice
Z = God’s Will

E – W = Y ≥ Regret (According to others)

E + W = Z (sarcastically, because their advice is best)

E + X = X (What I should have done in the first place)

E – X = Real Regret (I will always wonder what would have been)

Z = all of the above

I was never very good at math, but here’s how I see the whole thing: If I don’t do what you say, I will regret it. If I do what you say, I’ll be implementing God’s will (as you see it). If I don’t do what I want to do, then I truly will regret not taking all the chances I could have/should have taken. The way I see it, I should just things the way I want, so I don’t regret not taking any chances I had before me. At the end of the day, all that happens is God’s will. And we plan, but His plan is the plan that ultimately gets implemented, and He is the best of planners. And our job is to be content with His plan. Sometime it’s congruent with our plans, and sometimes it is not. It’s about being okay with it when it’s not.

Can you imagine if God granted all of our prayers? I’d would have had 12 children by now and maybe married three or four times. Speaking of marriage, I remember being told that I will understand when I get married, or I got a “you’ll see” when I get married. Then I got married, and guess what? I couldn’t see a damn thing. While a lot changed for me when I got married, I didn’t get a magical understanding of the world I didn’t have before. And I’d like to find those people and smack them upside the head. (Hopefully, I’ll be writing about marriage more in the future.)

I’ve always taken people’s advice to heart and always felt like I HAD to follow it whenever it was given to me. I didn’t always seek it out, but a lot of times it’s given freely.  I am sure I’m guilty of giving out advice without being asked for it, but I’m a social worker and that’s my job (haha, now I’m off the hook).  But advice to all that give it out: Give your advice without the expectation that it will be followed. And to all the recipients of advice: You don’t always have to follow all the advice given to you.

I wrote this in 2004 on another blog.  I wonder if I sound five years younger here. Please let me know. My brother told me that I babbled, what do you think? {2009 commentary from older Eman}

It is early on Friday morning, and after dropping off my dad, I decide I’m in the mood for coffee and a bagel. Now normally I try to avoid chain coffee shops. Ever since a family friend and my best friend both opened coffee shops, I felt the need to patronize small independently owned coffee shops. Generally speaking I try to do that for everything. So where I work, there is a nice coffee shop called Abooji {I don’t even remember this shop}. It’s a cute little place that has free wi-fi internet access and Intelligentsia coffee (mmm!). But they don’t open until noon, so a lot of times I am forced to drink Starbucks (yuck!) or White Hen Coffee. But this time for some reason I decided to drive a bit further and head to Caribou Coffee, you know, because it’s Islamic {An Islamic investing company had bought a significant amount of shares in the company}. I mean, at this point it’s seven in the morning and it beats sleeping in the car {I did that} . So I park in the newly gentrified part of what used to be known as Jewtown {I so would never write that now}, head in. A bit hungry and wanting a chai latte, I stare at the menu for a few minutes pretending I’m trying to make up my mind. So I order the latte and eagerly look for bagels in the glass case. Pointing me in the right direction the (whatever the Caribou equivalent is) barista enthusiastically tells me that I can get my drink for free if I bought a $20 dollar gift card. I didn’t think at all, but said to myself free is good and readily accepted. So my total was 21 something because of the bagel and cream cheese. The barista was like, “yay my first one today!!” She forgot to say sucker.

Feeling great that I just got 20 dollars to spend at caribou for however long, I merrily was on my way to work. All day I was thinking how great that it was that I had 20 bucks to spend at Caribou! It wasn’t until about 8 hours later, that I realized what an idiot I was.

Now I consider myself to be a prudent shopper {This is a lie, I’m in a lot of debt from this time in my life}. I don’t fall for gimmicks, and I usually can see through most marketing schemes. That’s like the one thing I learned in high school in my consumer education class, that and how to balance a check book. Oh, there are few things that I wasn’t very prudent about, like my iPod, I fell for that like a cheerleader for the captain of the football team {So cheesy!!}. One friend said of it, “iPods are like the BMW of the music industry. Sure you can get similar features for hundreds less, but it’s the sheer luxury of it” {I think i quoted this friend wrong}. And they are just so damn cool. And those ads!! Yah, I totally got duped. Anyway, so I began to brag to a friend about my new gift card, and I started off the sentence with, “Guess what?” And ended it with, “I just spent $20 to save $2.65.” And had I not been pre-occupied with the chai latte, I would had the same thought that morning.

Now feeling a bit sheepish at my mishap, I decide to make the best of it. I’ll just drink Caribou for the next week or so until I finish the card so I don’t have to be reminded wih my stupidity. So after the Dr. Umar class, I realized I’d not had breakfast and thought oo coffee would be real nice right about now. So I knew there was one near, but I wasn’t sure where it was. I then pulled out my handy dandy phone and pulled up the address on the wireless web on the phone and called them. Too bad the place was right behind me and I made a HUGE circle to get back to it. Plus I was feeling guilty, because I was very near to my uncle’s coffee house, and I didn’t want to go, because of the Caribou Card. It literally takes me like 30 mins because of the traffic on Rt. 59, which leads to large mall. I finally get there, huffing and puffing, because I’ve finally realized how dumb my decision was. And I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, I kept thinking, all this for coffee. I kept figuring that if I kept the money and went elsewhere, it would be like almost paying twice: Once for this time and one for the time I use the Caribou card. By this time I had become very frustrated, and just wanted to get my coffee and get out! So I’m standing there again pretending I don’t quite know what I want. But when it came to my turn, I said Turtle Mocha, knowing fair well that I don’t like it. I was thinking [don't laugh], “it’s okay, I’m not really paying for it.” Obviously, that’s the point. After spending $6.35 for coffee I didn’t really like and something to eat, I headed back to my car with a heavy heart. {I don’t really understand what I was trying to say}

Heavy, because I knew I just got jipped.

{I don’t drink coffee anymore, and I miss Dr. Umar’s classes}