Filed under: The Journey | Tags: d-bags, forgiveness, grief, letters, loss, moving on, people
We have all been hurt by people, and we have all hurt people. But we don’t always get to redress the wrongs. This is my attempt, although it’s more for me (in a public kind of way).
It’s for me to feel better.
This is a modified letter I had to write to someone who had hurt me deeply. I’m sharing it because it’s a part of the healing process, but also because it really can be applied to a lot of other situations. I have modified it as an open letter to all that have wronged me in my life.
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Dear those who have wronged me,
I actually have a hard time even addressing you. Because people don’t do to people what you’ve done. I have spent a lot of time trying to avoid facing how you have wronged me. But I have finally faced it, and I’m working to put it behind me. I’m also putting you behind me.
But I don’t think that you would ever acknowledge that you did anything wrong, because that’s how people like you conduct their lives (that’s how you roll, son). You abuse people in so many ways and never acknowledge what you’ve done wrong. In fact you walk around acting like the victim, when you’ve made too many people into victims.
I don’t know if I can forgive you. But I can move on without you.
I don’t think I have much more to say. But know you reap what you sow.
I’m leaving it up to God. He’ll take care of me, as He has.
Eman
P. S. This isn’t directed at anyone in particular, but a few sentences were written with specific people in mind. Don’t ask, cause I ain’t telling.
Filed under: Bayan, The Journey | Tags: Bayan Hassaballa, blogging, grief, Insomaniacal, insominia, loss, quran, spirituality
I’m not really sure where this post is going, but here goes everything. I got up from bed, not being able to sleep. I’ve learned, the hard way, not to try to read myself to sleep because if it’s a good book, I’ll be up all night reading as the night melts away into morning. My brother is a sleep specialist and he’s told me about the reading and I didn’t listen. That’s how I read my guilty pleasure in about 24 hours. I think he’s the one who advised me to just get up and do something until I’m tired and can fall asleep. After lying in bed for four hours, praying to God to just fall asleep, I’ve become afraid.
I’m afraid of tossing and turning in bed. I’m afraid of watching the minutes moving on, not regarding me one bit, as I stare in disbelief as another hour passes by carelessly not taking my feelings into account. I sit in bed, rerunning through my day, trying to remember when I had my last cup of coffee. Today, I think I had my last sip close to five (big mistake). And that might be (probably is) why I’m still up. But it could be so many other things. And now, because of this fear, I usually find myself sitting on a chair in front of either a computer or television screen waiting until I can’t keep my eyes open, so I can easily slip into sleep. But I digress.
My husband called me at work this morning and told me my great aunt had passed away. It was very sad, because she had suffered from cancer and probably died from its complications. I totally missed the pleas from her daughter to our family to pray for her. It was only after the fact when I started wall-snooping. I stumbled through the Arabic of her writing on my other cousin’s wall. On Tuesday at 10 am she wrote, “Sherif, Don’t forget Mama in your dua (supplication), she’s not feeling well. And honestly, God Forbid (Yustur), she went into the intensive care unit for 24 hours now. They discharged her, but she’s still not doing well at all. Please remember her in your prayers.” And she wrote on my other cousin’s wall, “Please tell your mom and (my grandmother, who is her sister in law) to pray for Mama. She’s really sick, and God Protect her, please don’t forget.” And then it was silent for a couple of days, and another cousin posted on his profile RIP Tant Zeinab Khalifa at 4:57 a.m. on Thursday.
I can’t imagine what the last few days have been like, nor can I imagine what the next year is going to be like. I’ve experienced loss before, but this is different. In reflecting upon today’s events, I imagined having lost both my parents (God bless and keep them safe from harm), because my great aunt is only survived by her children. My uncle passed away years ago. I imagined how alone I would feel without them. Naturally, I think about how I take my parents for granted and how I am going to regret it when they’re gone. Sad fact is things most likely won’t really change, and my inaction will turn into regret. I can see myself now sitting on a therapists couch saying through tears, “I wish I had done more,” and the therapist telling me, “Don’t beat yourself up, you were a good daughter.”
But this post isn’t about making sure we take advantage of the time we have with our loved ones. The lump in my throat is getting big now, and I’m trying to swallow it away. I still don’t really know where this is going. But I’ll continue.
I’m thinking now of the all the loss I’ve experienced in my life (mainly losing Bayan) and the loss and grief I will experience in the future and my heart is filled with sadness.
But I find comfort in the temporal nature of this life (I hope I’m using that word right). But ya’ni that life is short, and temporary or brief. In looking to next life, I’m hoping for good in that life. And I think of all the reunions that will occur in Jannah. (I’m trying not to think of the Day of Judgment, I’m hoping for an exemption from that day). I promised myself, at some point, that Bayan would be the first person I’d look for (darn, now I’m crying). Actually, I’m hoping she’ll be the one looking for me. One of the best dreams I’ve had of her, is when I asked her if she would intercede on my behalf and take me with her to Jannah. She nodded.
That’s what I’m looking forward to, and I hope I get there in spite of who I really am. I’m really hoping for al-Raheem, the same mercy that a mother has for her child1.
Alright, I’m done. Go now, do something useful.
Filed under: The Journey | Tags: america, burn, clevon, islam, kindness, koran, muhammad, quran
Someone may change your life or your perspective on life and you may never know their name or even meet them for that matter. There was a woman who used to sweep the mosque of the Prophet, peace be upon him. When she died, the Prophet wasn’t informed of her death and she was buried. When he, peace be upon him, inquired about her, he was told that she had passed away. The Prophet said, “Why did you not inform me?” He asked to be shown her grave and he offered a funeral prayer. (for the daleely folks: (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 8, Number 448). Whoever buried her, thought her not to be significant enough to mention to the Prophet that she has passed, but the Prophet noticed her absence, and he made a point to offer the funeral prayer on her. There are two amazing things about this story. One, we don’t even know her name. And two we don’t even know what she did that made the Prophet notice her, but she is recorded in the Islamic tradition as a person of noteworthiness.
Which brings me to my point, finally, so I was perusing (loosely used) Facebook, I came across someone’s status:
So this guy walks up to the mosque in Chicago – no one knows who he is – and hands the security guard some $50 worth of Qur’ans. Says he bought them from a local bookstore because he doesn’t want anyone else buying them and burning them, essentially wants them to be protected in the…masjid. He is not believed to be a Muslim. Left without leaving his name or contact info. May Allah reward him.
It’s amazing what mankind is capable of in a good way and in a bad way. The unintended consequences that came out of Terry Jones’s shenanigans are many and amazing. The Qur’an (translated by Yusuf Ali) has stayed in Amazon’s Top 100 (Religion and Spirituality) for 56 days. It’s at spot 28 now (as of 9/17/10). The Qur’an (Translated by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem) is at spot 37 and has been in the top 100 for 45 days. (Taken from here). I doubt that people are buying them to burn them, but people might be wondering what all the hullabaloo (I love that word) is all about. And it also prompted this hilarious video that went viral amongst the Muslim community about how to get free Qurans to burn. And this is just to mention a few.
So I stole this post from Aijaz and posted it as a status, and in less than an hour, three people have already posted it on their walls and most everyone is praying for him. It inspired me to write this, and reflect on my own life and actions. Have I done something like this? Probably not.
This man has gotten the attention of so many people, but he’s also gotten the Attention of the One who matters most, the One who’s Attention we’re all vying for. He is the One whom we ask to grant mercy upon our souls. Let’s all pray for this nameless man who in my opinion deserves paradise for this anonymous act of kindness.
Filed under: The Journey | Tags: accupuncture, cabbage soup, Fasting, sacred heart diet, This American Life, Tiny Comets Radio
Taking a brainfart break at work and listening to Tiny Comets Radio podcast this week, which is amazing by the way!! I’m trying to relieve some of my deficits in attention that I have been suffering from lately. I have a few minutes before a meeting and I just needed to do the written equivalent of opening up a bottle of soda to let out the sssssssssssssssssss. So hope hopefully this will be quick and painless.
So I just finished a week of cleansing my body of toxins. I’ve been following the Sacred Heart Diet, but using it as a cleanse. And it’s been good. I’m not saying I feel amazing, but I feel better overall. It’s a part of an overall move towards better health (Thanks love, shout out, you know who you are and now so do y’all). My goal is to be a health nut, the kind that eats grass.
So I’ve eaten more vegetables in one week than I have in a month. I feel lighter (5-7 lbs lighter too) not because of the few pounds lost, but I feel lighter on the inside. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be and the soup that I made was good. I had a few slip ups, and that’s okay. I didn’t beat myself up over it. But this week is going to be a stricter week. And I’m looking forward to the health benefits that I’ll derive from it. I have a team of friends and family that are on the cleanse as well and it’s great to have the support (AE2 and H&M) and someone to cheat with *smile*. For a funny story about a fast, check this episode of This American Life.
So stay tuned for more of my antics.
I started this 8.4.09, stopped and started again.
So I finally joined Spark People. A friend had told me about it a bit ago and I finally joined. It’s a cool site that’s a weight loss/healthy living site. I’ve always said I’m going to write a book about my journey once I got to the end of it, but as of now there is no end in sight, and it keeps getting longer as the pounds pile on. So maybe I’ll start writing at the beginning of the journey. And here I am, I’ve loaded the car, I’ve plugged in the destination on my GPS and off I go. I know it’s going to be a long journey and there are going to be many bumps in the road (maybe even flat tires and at some point, God forbid, I’ll need a tow), but I think I am taking the baby steps necessary to get started and we’ll see where it takes me. I’ve resigned myself from saying things like, “I’m finally on my way to happier, healthier, and skinny life”. No way! I’m not going to set myself up for disappointment. On the contrary, I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve told myself, “If this doesn’t work, we’ll try something else.” And I’m okay with that. I’m also okay with being overweight for the rest of my life, but it’s a shame to see my health decline so quickly and I feel like I would be taken to account and held responsible for doing that to my body. It’s like getting a rental and beating the hell out of it for the time you had it, then telling the guy at the counter to take it back without any recourse.
I would like to be able to wear pants again, and I want to have an active personality. I want to be able to buy clothes because they I like the way they look on me, and not because they fit. I would like to be able to look at pictures of myself and not be repulsed or depressed.
So today is September 14th, and I’ve picked up where I left off on this post. It’s been over a month and I’ve lost nearly 15 pounds. I’m happy, but I haven’t popped open the champagne yet. It’s a long road, but I’ve made it half way to my first rest stop. I’m sure Ramadan has helped and hurt. And the $300 that I am competing for has been a great source of motivation. I’ve already seen the benefits of losing those few pounds.
Those benefits are motivating on their own. I’ve been able to sleep better which is great. This is really sad to say for someone my age, but I’ve been praying sitting for a while now. If I prayed one prayer standing the next two were in a chair. And this is what pained me the most. Here I am, 30 years old, and praying in a chair that my mom didn’t start doing until the last few years. And she only does that for the supererogatory prayers, not the prescribed ones. I, on the other hand, only pray the five required prayers, and I’m sitting on a chair. It made me feel so ashamed and I used to wonder, why isn’t this motivating me. But like anything, the feelings of shame and guilt eroded, along with my faith. Or it might be the other way around, as my faith has eroded all these years, so has my health and my body. And like everything else, I was just trying to get by.
That’s interesting to me, it’s only when my faith, spiritually, himma, wanes that everything else goes birzirk. You’d think I’d learn? No, there are times when we are the smartest people in the world, and times when we’re dumb as bricks. As long as I keep up all that stuff that involves God, He takes care of me. Like I said in my Detox post, God has always listened, it’s me that has been listening back. But I digress.
So here I am, I’ve completed a small fraction of my journey and still have a long way to go. Let’s hope and pray that I find success in this endeavor.
And I promise I will finish up my other post which has been sitting around for a few weeks now.
I hope you’re doing something useful, which I hope includes praying for me.
