Filed under: Bayan | Tags: Bayan Hassaballa, Country, grief, loss, Love Story, Taylor Swift, You belong with Me
My brother Hesham wrote this post about why Chris Brown made him cry and it made me think about what life has been like after Bayan. I wish this post was going to be as heartwarming, but I really don’t think so. (My 10 year-old self wants to say: I’M NOT COPYING)
What prompted me to write this post was the song Love Story by Taylor Swift. I never liked her or her music. She, to me, was like Britney and I totally tuned her out even though I knew that Bayan loved her and listened to TS on her iPod. When she was in the hospital, I didn’t know what to get her, but I wanted to get her something useful. Then a light bulb went off in my head and I ended up getting her an iTunes gift card. This was something that she could instantly use and get what she wanted. I never asked her if she used it, but now I really wish I did.
I was in the gym once, and the song You Belong With Me came on. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I plugged my earbuds in and tuned into the song. I couldn’t help it, but tears started streaming down my face. One, because it reminded me of Bayan but two because it was a memory I didn’t have with her.
(Enter guilt)
Then I start to feel guilty for all the times that I didn’t answer her call when she was in the den, and all the times that I didn’t go to the hospital and the list can go on. I wished with all my heart that I listened to Taylor Swift with her and then I would have one more memory that I could cherish. Now I heart Taylor Swift and anytime her songs come on the radio, I listen attentively.
The kids love her too. I recently bought this karaoke microphone (thanks AE) that had 10 songs on it. It was for $10 and that’s about how much entertainment we got out of it. But it had Love Story (and Chris Brown’s Forever), so each of the kids got a chance to belt out Taylor’s song. Sereen, Bayan’s youngest sister, loves (all caps) that song and she sang it a few times the night we plugged it in. Now I try to embrace all the things that the kids like just so I can share those memories with them.
Side Note: It’s funny that now I can’t suppress my tears any more. I’ve mastered suppressing sobs, but I just can’t suppress those tears anymore and it makes me reflect on the hadith of our beloved, peace be upon him, when his son, Ibrahim, passed away. I’m paraphrasing here, but he said that tears flow and the heart is saddened, but he admonished for allowing the tongue to say that which is not pleasing to God. As much as I try to hide it, my tears speak on behalf of my heart.
Now back to that guilt thing. The five stages of grief are (DABDA, thanks NH) denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I may have reached the acceptance phase, but often I fluctuate between that and the depression phase. The stages shouldn’t occur in any order, and movement among them is fluid. DABDA is just the easiest way to remember them. Notice guilt isn’t one of them, not because people don’t feel it, but it’s not really a phase, but it’s a big part of the bargaining stage. That’s when the griever says if I could only…or if I had just one more…and that’s partly because of the guilt attached and associated with loss and grief.
One of the first ways to deal with an issue is to acknowledge it. And this is the first time I am acknowledging it to myself (and the internet) that I feel guilty that I didn’t do more for her. I feel guilty for not spending more time with her in the hospital and even before she was sick. I wish I would have texted her more and called her more often. I feel guilty for not being the aunt that my aunts and uncles were to me when I was a little girl. I feel guilty for not making an extra effort to see her whenever I could. I feel guilty for going to Egypt two days before her death and not being there for her when she needed us most. I’ve accepted the fact that Bayan is no longer with us, but I haven’t accepted the fact that I could have been a better aunt to her. I’m not saying all of this because I’m fishing for sympathy or need people to tell me I did the best that I could. I’m not looking for any of this; it’s just something that has to be said. And I said it.
This can be a great source of stress and something that’s hard to recognize in oneself. This is what I realized when I heard Love Story today. This is what my tears told me on behalf of my heart today, and this is why Taylor Swift makes me cry.
